AN UNEXPLAINED FEAR

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Win Hilling. Stories for my Grandchildren

AN UNEXPLAINED FEAR

1922

When I was just ten years old our housegirl Margie asked my mother for time off so that she could attend a Girl Guide camp. Margie was so full of enthusiasm and told me of all the fun they would have and how exciting it was to share a tent with other girls. It all sounded so wonderful that I wanted to go too.

I had led a very sheltered life and had never even seen a camp site so my imagination was running riot. The problem was that one had to be eleven years old to join the Girl Guides so there seemed little chance that I could go. However, my mother and Margie arranged for me to join the Guides that week so that I could go, and Margie agreed to look after me. I was delighted and looked forward with much anticipation to the forthcoming camp.
What excitement joining the Guides and being dressed in their uniform! Margie and I talked endlessly about the joys of camping. Our Guide Captain was a lovely lady and a member of the wealthy Coates cotton family so she always came to our meetings in a beautiful chauffeur driven car. This caused quite a stir in the community as there were very few cars in our area in those days. Captain Coates was a very large lady, very kind and understanding and ‘doing her bit’ by running our group. Her Lieutenant was a French lady who was extremely thin, so the two ladies usually got more than a second glance by passers by.
Eventually the day came and we were helped into the back of a lorry with our luggage ready for take off. I was very excited at these new experiences. After our farewells we were on our way. The camp was at Reigate and on arrival with the help of the chauffeur and the lorry driver the tents were soon erected.
The evening meal I found rather disappointing but we sang and laughed around the camp fire so I soon forgot my uninteresting meal. I looked forward to sleeping in a tent but I soon found that I missed my comfortable bed. The ground was hard and uneven and I hated all the creepy crawlies that we found crawling over our faces and into our sleeping bags. Captain came and gave us cotton wool to put into our ears because earwigs were everywhere and one girl had several in her hair.
All this I found very disquieting and certainly not to my liking. I was so miserable and wished that I was at home. Margie seemed quite happy and was soon asleep while I felt alone and unhappy. The night seemed endless listening to all the strange noises and constantly brushing off earwigs. At breakfast the girls were laughing about the crawlies, but I kept quiet because I didn’t want them to think I was too young to do whatever they did.

Soon we were told to tidy up and get ready to go to church. We marched along the country lanes and there ahead of us was the church. Suddenly my stomach felt as though it was gripped in a vice, and I almost panicked. Fear gripped me. My heart pounded and I wanted to run away but as I didn’t want to attract attention I somehow managed until we were lined up outside the church. I made myself look at it. Obviously it was very old, very dark grey and to me very menacing. One wall had quite a lean to it and the tiny windows gave me a trapped feeling.

I felt sick and very afraid, my mind was whirling and I found it hard to breathe. I wanted to run away - I had never felt fear like this before. Then I found that I couldn’t move. People were going into the church. They all looked quite happy and certainly didn’t look afraid but I felt I wanted to warn them. My one thought was how could I get away - I must escape.
The other girls were looking quite relaxed and happy and our Captain stood in front looking very proud. We were not allowed to talk so I couldn’t tell Margie how I felt, so I struggled with my feelings for a moment and then the message was received that we should go in.

My legs felt weighted and stiff and breathing was difficult, but somehow I managed to shuffle along. We reached the pews and sat down. My feeling of panic became even stronger, and my mind was racing so full of dread and fear. Slowly a draining feeling and a coldness took over my mind and I fell to the floor.
The next thing I remember was that someone was lifting me by my leather belt and was pushing me out of the church. I was conscious of what was going on now but I felt I was not a part of it. Once outside I was laid on a bench, where I fainted again.

This was my first experience of fainting so I had no idea what was happening to me. Lieutenant fussed around me but I kept my eyes closed afraid of what I might see if I opened them. How I wished I was at home away from this awful place.

When the church service was over the people came out and I felt them looking at me, hearing them ask if I was alright. The girls came out and crowded round me. I opened my eyes and asked to be taken back to camp. Margie was very concerned, but I had an awful feeling of being alone in a terrible world with no escape. I longed to go home where I knew I was safe and thought of my comfortable bed and my parents who I knew would look after me. I said nothing because I thought Captain might already be regretting that she had allowed me to be there.
Once back at the camp Captain and Lieutenant discussed what they should do and decided that Lieutenant would take me home. What a relief !!! I was filled with joy.

By this time I was wondering what had caused me to feel so frightened as it was a feeling that I had never experienced before. Fortunately there was little conversation on the way home because Lieutenant found speaking English rather hard. She readily understood what was said but found putting words into a sentence rather hard.
My mother was very surprised to see us and after explanations were made I hurried upstairs to my bedroom trying to shut out the horrible experience. I was so afraid that my family would ridicule me but fortunately they made no problem of it except to take me to a doctor who said I was extremely anaemic and should eat raw liver and take Dr Blaud’s pills. In those days that was all one was given. This might have explained my fainting, but what caused my fear and panic?
I was interested to find that when I visited England in 1970 and some friends wanted to take me to see a beautiful Cathedral, the same fear arose in me and I made excuses and did not go. So what I wonder causes this unexplained fear ?